Clarity

Clarity is a cruel thing. Clarity doesn't exist unless it's opposite also exists. We wouldn't call somehting clear if it were never unclear. So to have clarity, by definition you must first have something unrecognizeable. That's what I have...standing all around me, behind me and before me. If I look around it's all I can see: a huge mass of unknown, a random variable, a "bug", a problem, an indescribeabl obstacle. With a lack of clarity, comes my biggest foe, uncertainty.
I am totally uncertain about whether or not I can live tomorrow without the help of IV meds. I am uncertain about how fast this disease is destroying my body and how much of this is reversible if we can ever get it to stop. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, a father, a husband. I cannot make an probable statement about many things in my life.
This is a problem. I teach math. There is always, no matter how hard to find, THE best answer among the choices. I have wanted to fix this...solve this...find the theorem...find the right way...find my x=____. But it's not there and it's not promised to ever be there.

BUT...
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,Let this blest assurance control,That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!My sin, not in part but the whole,Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

When I look down...oh, when I look down, i don't see the mass that is there to smother me...I see the arms of my Christ holding me so tight, crying way more than I do, and He is in pain. Visible pain. His beloved hurts and He hurts. And with all His might and power, He is doing what is needed first and foremost in this situation, holding and comforting me and those who love me. He is running through the uncertainties with perfect clarity and shielding me through the journey. All I can see now is his arms, a view I have reluctantly fallen in love with.

There's your clarity...there's your certainty. I have no less clarity, certainty, or control over my life than someone who isn't battling cancer. Here comes my pride, but I think I have more clarity than them.

This has been quite a journey so far. I am tired, scarred, and bruised, but carried and protected.

The answers...i still want the answers...but i don't have them and may not ever... they are withheld for a reason...a reason i don't know, but a reason i must trust.

I am competely spent...any effort I make at this point would be a measly static blip on God's plan which he is accomplishing through me. He has totally taken over. I finally yielded control...not very willingly. But he's carrying me, and I love the view of the race at this height with His perfect stride.